Let’s (sort of) have that (erm) football
When I was a young scallywag, no more than 13 years of age, nobody on this entire earth loved the football more than me. My old man only ever had eyes for Newcastle United, and so any time we tuned in to anyone else he sought a crash course on who to keep his eyes on. My elder brother, then in his mid-twenties, brought mates from around the neighbourhood to source the latest in Serie A, the Premier League, and La Liga - what the log looked like, who was doing ‘bits’, and who I expected to qualify for Europe. There wasn’t much Internet around then, and not everybody had SuperSport in their living rooms.
I share all of this because it sounds hilarious to me; a bunch of grown men consulting an adolescent soccer sensei. By the time I met Jacob, on the sidelines for an amateur side we both patronised, I had long since begun to turn my eye towards the NFL, the NBA, and full-on begun to invest all of my football attention on Tottenham Hotspur.
Nobody on this entire earth loves the football more than Coco-Pop. I like him. I respect his beard. I grudgingly respect his favorite team, Chelsea, because they’re Londoners. We share a love of Borussia Dortmund, all things Lionel Messi, but differ passionately on the matter of who between Luis Suarez and Robert Lewandowski is the superior finisher. We sometimes text one another. We sometimes text one another during the football.
Borussia Dortmund V Bayern Munich, 26th May.
Coco-Pop: I hope to see (Jadon) Sancho and Alphonso Davies in a foot race.
Jarvis II: Man like Sancho’s too smart for that innit 😊
Jarvis II: He’ll try and turn him pretty quickly ...
Coco-Pop: It might be a chi loose ball that both will have to chase 😁
Coco-Pop: I legit believe Davies can outpace Killian (Mbappe) too.
Jarvis II: This is unbearably pleasant.
Coco-Pop: 😂😂
Jarvis II: Feel like I could watch this stream for two days straight and not complain at all.
Coco-Pop: There you go, wanting things to moan about again.
Jarvis II: It’s just so unnatural. People just having a nice kick-about in 2020. So serene.
Jarvis II: Look at how the sun’s filtering through.
Coco-Pop: Fret not, the fans will join and all will be well.
Jarvis II: Via Zoom?
Real Mallorca V Barcelona, 16th June.
Jarvis II: Who should I be watching on Mallorca? Who’s the danger man?
Coco-Pop: Kubo.
Jarvis II: The wild Asian kid???
Jarvis II: Braithwaite got a game lols.
(Kubo strikes quite venomously at Barca’s goal.)
Jarvis II: Ooooooooohhhhhhh.
Coco-Pop: Braithewaite’s played more than you would think 😅
Jarvis II: Must have a killer TikTok.
Coco-Pop: He puts in a good shift and he does some tuma 'bits' sort of.
Jarvis II: Isn’t he Welsh lols?
Coco-Pop: No clue.
Jarvis II: Griezmann with that B-grade porno look.
Coco-Pop: 🤣🤣🤣
Coco-Pop: He looks like a young Ron Jeremy.
Jarvis II: You’re a fool lol.
Jarvis II: Sentien - Autocorrect Ati Sentiment :D - won gaffer of the year in my Master League campaign lols.
(Quique Setien is the current manager of Barcelona CF; ‘Master League’ is essentially manager mode on eFootball PES 2020, a football simulator. Lionel Messi destroys a man like it’s nothing.)
Jarvis II: Messi please.
Coco-Pop: Nuts!
*
Jarvis II: What’s happening?
Jarvis II: Cooling break?
Coco-Pop: Water break.
Jarvis II: Cause it’s Spain or cause of COVID?
Coco-Pop: Summer time and ting.
Jarvis II: Ah.
Coco-Pop: Madrid should park him (Kubo) at a better team than Mallorca next season.
Jarvis II: Or summon the balls to play him.
Coco-Pop: Over who?
Coco-Pop: Hazard? Bale? Vinicius? Rodrygo?
Jarvis II: Hazard.
Coco-Pop: Fuckouttahere!!
Jarvis II: Lol.
Jarvis II: New Modric even.
Jarvis II: Mans don’t even fancy Bale.
Jarvis II: Just fire up the rebuild.
Jarvis II: Ease him in, at least.
Jarvis II: The way Barca did with Fati.
Coco-Pop: Time time, mwaiche.
Jarvis II: There’s no such thing as time post-COVID.
Jarvis II: Fascists.
Coco-Pop: 😂😂
(Braithwaite, despite my teasing, scores again for Barcelona.)
Jarvis II: Fuckkkk.
Jarvis II: Weeeeeeeaaaak.
Jarvis II: Braithwaite?? RESIGN, gaffer.
Coco-Pop: 😂😂
Coco-Pop: Badman Braithwaite a minute!!
Jarvis II: Lol, fool …
Coco-Pop: He smashed that shit in like iwe chi****!!!
Jarvis II: Frenkie (de Jong) makes shit pop.
(Pop = happen.)
Jarvis II: Him and (Donnie) Van Der Beek chase everything.
Coco-Pop: That Ajax team was dope, mwebantu.
Jarvis II: Tragic :/
Coco-Pop: I'll gladly take Hakim Ziyech, tho 😅
Jarvis II: It’s late.
(A colloquial turn of phrase applied to situations that cannot be salvaged.)
Aston Villa V Sheffield United, June 17th
(Replay technology fails to award a goal to Sheffield United; one that would have surely handed them the result.)
Jarvis II: VAR or COVID n*gga pick one curse for the next two years.
